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Ambrose Bierce Quotes


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Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
 

Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
 

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
 

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
 

Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
 

Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.
[Christian]
 

Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
 

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
 

Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.
 

Commendation, n: the tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own.
 

Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
 

Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
 

Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
 

Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
[Politics]
 

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
 

Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
[Action]
 

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
 

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
[Business]
 

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
 

Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
 


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