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Dave Barry Quotes


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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
 

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
 

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
 

He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint.
[Education]
 

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
 

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
[Computers]
 

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
 

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
 

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
 

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
 

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
 

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
 

I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.
 

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
 

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
 

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
 

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
 

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
 

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
[Against]
 


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