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Dave Barry Quotes

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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

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