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Erma Bombeck Quotes


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Never eat anything you can't pronounce.
 

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
 

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
 

Never have more children than you have car windows.
[Funny]
 

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
[Family]
 

Never order food in excess of your body weight.
 

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
 

No self respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
 

Oh, quit being such a Pollyanna.
 

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
[Bodies]
 

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
[Forever]
 

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
 

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
 

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
 

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
 

Sexually active coat hangers are at their peak when they are in a small closet. We once lived in an apartment with a closet so small it couldn't support a rod... just two nails. Within a week (the shortest gestation in the history of coat hangers) we had thirty-seven of those little suckers.
 

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
 

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
 

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
 

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
 


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