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Erma Bombeck Quotes


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Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
 

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
[Sports]
 

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
[Friendship]
 

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
[Cleanliness]
 

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course, I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in.
 

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
 

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
 

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
 

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
 

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
 

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
 

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
 

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
[Humor]
 

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
[Commitment]
 

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
 

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
 

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
 

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
 

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
[Friendship]
 


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