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Fred A. Allen Quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.