> Author Index > C - Authors > George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes


Pages: Prev 123

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
[Dream]
 

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
 

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
 

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
See quote detail

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
 

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
 

The status quo sucks.
 

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
 

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
 

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
 

Think off-center.
 

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
[Funny]
 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
 

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
[Funny]
 

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
 

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
 

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
 

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
[America]
 

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
 

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
 


Pages: Prev 123