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George Carlin Quotes


A Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor and author, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on language, psychology and religion along with many other taboo subjects.
(1937 - 2008)

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
 

Always do whatever's next.
 

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
[Atheism]
 

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
 

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
 

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
 

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
 

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
[Funny]
 

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
 

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
 

I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
 

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
 

I think I am, therefore I am. I think.
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
 

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
 

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
 


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