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Josh Billings Quotes

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Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.
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I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.
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I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.
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I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.
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I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing unless thare waz a man or two around.

I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself."
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I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in.
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I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.

I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me.

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.

I have finally come to the conclusion that a good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil.

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream.
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