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Milton Berle Quotes





A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
 

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
 

Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
[Business]
 

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
 

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
 

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
 

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
 

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
 

I'd like to tell you some jokes now, but you'd only laugh.
 

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
 

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
 

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
 

Laughter is an instant vacation.
 

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
 

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
[Sex]
 

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
 

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
 

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.