Paula Poundstone Quotes

An American comedian.
(1959 - )

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. [Business]

Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. [Funny]

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.

I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.

I used to use Shopping for a Better World by the Council on Economic Priorities for my responsible consumer needs. It rates companies with an A, C, or F on their environmental impact, their record on hiring women and minorities, and their willingness to disclose that information to the public. So, for example, there's Chevron with an F in the environment category but a B under minorities and an A under the disclosure heading. It seems to me that if a company is destroying the earth, the fact that they're including minorities in their pillaging and are willing to tell us they're doing it should be little comfort. It's like forgiving an ax murderer who is nice to children.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?

I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of "Easy Fit" jeans.

The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.

They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks, and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.