> Author Index > D - Authors > Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller Quotes


Pages: Prev 12

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
 

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
 

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
 

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
 

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
 

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
[Anger]
 

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
 

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
 

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
 

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
 

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
[Sports]
 

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
 

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
 

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
 

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
 

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
 

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
 

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
[Blood]
 

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
 


Pages: Prev 12