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Robert Benchley Quotes

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I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

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