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Robert Orben Quotes

An American magician and professional comedy writer.
(1927 - )

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"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper, he would have asked for separate checks!

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?

I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

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