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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes


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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
[Being]
 

I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.
 

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
 

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
 

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
 

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
 

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
[Being]
 

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
 

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
 

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
 

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
 

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
[Sports]
 

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
 

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
[Sex]
 

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
 

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
[Sex]
 

In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
 

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
 

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
 


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