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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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Life is just a bowl of pits.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

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