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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes


An American comedian and actor.
(1921 - 2004)

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A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
 

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
 

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
[Acts]
 

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
 

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
 

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
 

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
 

I don't get no respect!
 

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
 

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
[Funny]
 

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
 

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
 

I have good looking kids; thank god my wife cheats on me.
 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
[Funny]
 

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
 

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
 

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
[Funny]
 

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
 

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
 

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
 


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