Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
An American comedian and actor.
(1921 - 2004)
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
[Acts]
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
[Funny]
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I have good looking kids; thank god my wife cheats on me.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
[Funny]
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
[Funny]
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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