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Roseanne Barr Quotes

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A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
[Self Reliance]

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

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