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Woody Allen Quotes


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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
 

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
 

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
[Beginnings]
 

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
[Spirituality]
 

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
[Funny]
 

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
 

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
 

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
 

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
 

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.
 

I'm not the heroic type, really. I was beaten up by Quakers.
[Character]
 

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
 

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
 

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
 

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.
[Religion]
 

If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something.
 

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
[Movies]
 

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
[Funny]
 

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
[Religion]
 

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
[Sex]
 


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