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Woody Allen Quotes


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The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under, try not to go bald.
[Family]
 

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
 

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
 

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns about that there is a God, I don't think that he is evil. I think that the worst thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever.
 

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
 

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
 

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
[Being]
 

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.
[God]
 

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
 

Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.
[Psychiatry]
 

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
 

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
 

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
 

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
 

We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from - I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.
 

What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
 

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
 

What are you telling me, that you're, you're, you're gonna leave Emily, is this true? And, and run away with the, the, the winner of the Zelda Fitzgerald emotional maturity award?
 

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
 

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
 


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