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Woody Allen Quotes


An American film director, writer, musician, actor and comedian.
(1935 - )

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After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about.
[Insurance]
 

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
[Money]
 

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
 

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
 

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
 

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
 

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
 

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
 

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
 

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
 

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
 

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
 

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
 

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
 

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
[God]
 

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.
[God]
 

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
 

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
[Psychiatry]
 

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
[Funny]
 

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
 


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