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Funny Quotes

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There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

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