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Funny Quotes


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For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family ... in another city.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too - for being married so many times.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

I believe you should live each day as if it were your last...which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.


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