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Funny Quotes

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I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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