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Funny Quotes

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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.

I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

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