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Funny Quotes


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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

My inner child is not wounded.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet.

Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.


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