Funny Quotes
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She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
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Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife. You insult her intelligence if you assume that a mere slogan and a few vapid adjectives will persuade her to buy anything. She wants all the information you can give her.
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
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The superfluous is very necessary.
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The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
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The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
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There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
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There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'
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