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Funny Quotes

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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.

she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife. You insult her intelligence if you assume that a mere slogan and a few vapid adjectives will persuade her to buy anything. She wants all the information you can give her.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

The superfluous is very necessary.

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

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